Jingle Bell Rock

I was a humbug for a long time. As a matter of fact, it's only been within the last few years that I've knocked off most of my humbuggery, so now I can actually enjoy holly jolly festivities and ugly Christmas sweaters without spouting out things like "This Feeds Into The Consumerist Dogma" and "It's All Empty Gestures And Commercial Lies" too often.

As such, I used to absolutely loathe Christmas music; it's an entire subset of music that is only relevant once a year, and by the time it's actually Christmas it's been overplayed since Thanksgiving. While I've gotten over it, there are two songs in particular that I hate to hear. The first song, of course, is "Last Christmas" by WHAM! since, of course, I cannot listen to it without succumbing to WHAMaggedon. It's a fine song, but I simply can't listen to it because it's against the rules. The second song is "Jingle Bell Rock" which is the worst ever.

Bobby Helms, the original person to release the song in 1957, probably hoped it would have a lasting impact. Considering it made an appearance on the Billboard Top 100 as recently as 2016 I'd say it has. Well, what I actually said was, "Holy shit it got to #35?! " but that's basically the same idea at its core. The reason I'm so surprised is because, personally, I think it's a dumb song. It's dated, the lyrics are stupid, and it's been covered by enough other music artists to have it be its own subgenre of the Christmas music subset. There's one subgenre of this subgenre of this music subset, however, that I hate most, and I can't hear the song any other way when I think about it; it's the elementary school Christmas program rendition.

Whatever evil dictated that every kindergarten class since at least the 90s had to sing "Jingle Bell Rock" can go straight back to hell. Whatever play the school might be doing manages to shoehorn in some line about rock-and-roll, and the kindergartners come out onto the stage. Parents chuckle and coo as they take pictures of the children, usually adorned in reindeer antlers or Santa hats. The adults turn to one another, saying things like, "Oh, how cute!" and, "So precious!" as they beam with pride a their rascals. There's always one kid with the attention span of a gnat and too much unbridled energy that takes a bit longer to get in position (that was me growing up, I'll admit that) but once that kid is ready, and the teacher is only holding on to the hope of the bottle of wine at home, it begins.

The opening music starts and the bass line ba-dum-dum-dums into what can only loosely be defined as singing. I'm not sure what key the kindergartners sing-- or, let's be real, shout-- in, but it's a key that transcends generations that, I'm pretty sure, was banned by the Geneva Conventions. It's also somehow sung to the same beat regardless of when or where you hear it, that being a sporadic and anxiety-producing one. There's always one kid that's a little too excited about singing/shouting (again, that was me), and there's always one that very clearly wants nothing to do with being on stage in front of a bunch of strangers. To their credit, the kids almost remember some of the words to the song, so some parts are clearly and confidently belted out. Others are mumbled as the teacher frantically uses hand gestures to get the kids to be louder, as if the kids need encouragement. The whole affair ends with, "THAT'S THE JINGLE BELL, THAT'S THE JINGLE BELL," sang/shouted at different intervals, before culminating into a, "THAT'S THE JINGLE BELL ROOOOOCK!" that can, and probably has, broken glass and caused dogs to panic. The energy of the class throughout the performance is at all ends of the spectrum. The dissonance is palpable.

The parents applaud. The children are herded away as one kid jumps around and flails his arms (again, me). The teacher considers running to the store on the way home to pick up another bottle of wine. The play continues.

I think that's the reason I'm not a fan of the song; it reminds me of a dozen children who'd rather do anything else shouting on stage. Now, to be fair, I don't have kids and I don't plan on having any, but if I did I might appreciate my tyke belting out that classic with their classmates. It makes sense that any parent would be proud to see their child capable of memorizing a song and looking nice, but I don't have a child of my own, partly because I don't want to risk having to go out of my way to hear "Jingle Bell Rock" and partly because I know what kind of child I was and don't want to do that to the world.

Anyway, regardless, I'm okay with the season overall. Just get me some eggnog and Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" and I'll be set 'til the 25th.

Happy Holidays!