Shorts

The approach of summer means the weather is warming up. Sweaters get packed away, electric blankets get unplugged and tossed in the closet, and the anticipation of sweltering temperatures and sweating to death builds up. Most people bust out the summer gear; Coronas, Ray-Bans, tank tops, flip flops, summertime sadness (if you're Lana del Rey from what I've heard), and, of course, shorts.

I rarely wear shorts. I already get charred to a crisp as it is, and exposing my pasty white legs is both asking for temporary blindness from the light reflected off them and the intolerable pink suffering from UV radiation. I've spent many, many summers sweating in blue jeans while my contemporaries sweated slightly less thanks to the draft that board shorts provide, though, so I've been slowly getting sun on my legs while I go running and hiking. By doing that, not only have I not died of heat stroke, but I've also managed to get my legs from nearly opaque to almost having some semblance of color by wearing shorts in my adventures in the boonies.

I don't think I'll be able to have tan legs, to be honest, but not having corpse-colored calves would be nice. I'd like to be able to wear shorts like a normal person when I go to the coast this summer, and I'd like to not hurt anyone with the sheen from my whiteness. If I can achieve a skin tone a couple shades darker than "European Tourist" I think I'll be satisfied rocking skinny cutoff shorts like a hipster jackass, but if I can't... I'll just fake an accent, I guess.

I usually dread the hot weather, but it might not be so bad if I show off my gams.